Ever find yourself catching feelings for someone totally unexpected? Maybe it’s a friend or coworker who makes your heart skip a beat whenever they walk in the room. Their smile brightens your day and you find yourself thinking about them at random times. The chemistry and connection feel so natural, yet complicated because this attraction is towards another woman. You’re married, you’re not gay, how did this happen?
As a married woman, having feelings for another woman can stir up a whirlwind of emotions. You may feel confused, guilty, excited, scared, curious, or some combination of all these. You wonder if you’re alone in experiencing this or if other straight women sometimes find themselves attracted to other females too?
This experience of being a married woman with feelings for another woman is more common than you may realize. Many women experience varying degrees of attraction to other females at some point, even if they consider themselves mostly straight. Let’s explore this experience together – you are not alone.
Understanding Your Feelings as a Married Woman
Finding yourself attracted to another woman can be confusing when you’re in a heterosexual marriage. These feelings are complicated but not uncommon. Many married women develop crushes on female friends or acquaintances. The heart wants what it wants, right?
The most important thing is to accept these feelings without judgment. Repressing or denying your attraction will likely only make things more difficult in the long run. Be gentle with yourself – you did nothing wrong. Sexuality is complex and fluid.
Now, you have some options to consider:
- Explore your feelings privately through journaling, fantasy, or speaking with a therapist. This can help provide clarity without acting on the attraction.
- Come out to your husband and ask for an open relationship or separation. This is a big step but may be necessary if the feelings are strong and persistent.
- Pursue a discreet affair if you feel you can do so without hurting your partner or risking your marriage. However, affairs often end badly and the guilt can be overwhelming.
- Focus on spicing up your marriage and reigniting the spark with your husband. Sometimes attraction outside the relationship is a symptom of boredom or restlessness. Making your marriage a priority again may help shift your interests and desires.
There are no easy answers here. But by accepting yourself without shame and evaluating your options honestly, you’ll find the solution that aligns with your values and needs. You deserve to feel fully self-expressed and happy. With time and work, you can get there, married or not.
Exploring Your Sexual Orientation and Identity
It’s ok to feel attracted to someone of the same sex. Sexual orientation exists on a spectrum, and many women experience fluidity in who they’re attracted to over the course of their lives. (-) Just because you’re married to a man doesn’t mean you can’t also be attracted to women.
Now is the time for self-reflection. Think about your past relationships and crushes. Have you always been attracted to men, or have there been instances of attraction to women too, even if minor? Don’t feel like you need to label yourself or pick a side. You’re exploring, and that’s a personal journey.
(-) Talk to others in the LGBTQ+ community. Their experiences can help validate your own and provide guidance. Online forums and support groups are a great way to connect anonymously.
Speak with a counselor or therapist. They can provide a safe space to work through your feelings and determine what is right for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Your attraction to this woman may be fleeting, or it could signify that your orientation or relationship needs have changed. There are no easy answers, but by exploring with an open and honest heart, you’ll gain clarity. This is your life, so make sure to honor your truth.
Communicating With Your Spouse
Communication is key to navigating this challenging situation in your marriage. It may feel awkward, but talking with your spouse openly and honestly about your feelings is the healthiest approach.
Be honest but gentle
Tell your partner you have something important to discuss regarding your relationship and feelings. Explain that you’ve found yourself attracted to another person, but that you want to make your marriage work. Be honest yet tactful, focusing on using “I” statements, like “I’ve felt confused lately.” Avoid accusations, and express how committed you are to your spouse.
Listen with an open mind
Your partner may feel hurt, jealous or confused upon hearing this news. Give them space to process, and listen without judgment when they respond. Answer any questions they have as genuinely and gently as possible. Understand that their reaction may be emotional, and stay calm and empathetic.
Discuss relationship issues
This revelation can be an opportunity to address any underlying issues in the relationship and set a course to strengthen your connection. Discuss what you both want and need to feel happy and fulfilled. Compromise when possible, and be willing to work on the relationship together through open communication, quality time, counseling, or other means.
Set boundaries
If needed, discuss setting appropriate boundaries regarding the other person to rebuild trust. Be transparent about any contact or interactions, and avoid them when possible. Your spouse’s comfort level may change over time as the relationship heals.
Navigating feelings for another while committed to your partner can be complicated. With honest communication, patience, and effort on both sides, relationships can grow stronger. While the discomfort may linger, focusing on improving intimacy and meeting each other’s needs will help reconnect and find fulfillment in the relationship again.
Setting Boundaries With the Other Woman
As a married woman developing feelings for another woman, it’s critical to establish clear boundaries. This will help ensure your feelings do not interfere with your marriage or cause hurt for anyone involved.
Be open and honest with your spouse
Have an open, honest, and caring conversation with your spouse about what you’re experiencing. Let them know your feelings for this other woman have developed, but that you want to make your marriage a priority. Be transparent about any interactions you have with her going forward. Hiding things will only damage your relationship further.
Limit contact with the other woman
The less you see or interact with this other woman, the more your feelings are likely to fade. Stop initiating calls, texts, or meetups and keep things polite but distant if you do see each other. Let her know you need to focus on your marriage right now. If she continues to pursue you, be firm in your boundaries.
Refocus on your marriage
Make your marriage a top priority by reconnecting through open communication, romance, quality time together, and acts of affection or service. Do things to reignite the spark like going on dates again, trying new shared hobbies, being physically intimate, expressing words of affirmation, giving small gifts, etc. The more you invest in your marriage, the less space there will be for outside feelings to grow.
Seek counseling if needed
If after trying to establish boundaries and refocus on your marriage, feelings for this other woman persist or intensify, seeking marriage counseling could help. A counselor can provide guidance for coping with these feelings, avoiding temptation, and strengthening your relationship. They can also help determine if there are any underlying issues in the marriage that may be contributing to your feelings for someone else.
With hard work and dedication, feelings for another woman do not have to destroy an otherwise happy marriage. Maintaining open communication, strong boundaries, and a commitment to meeting each other’s needs can help overcome this challenge.
Seeking Support as You Navigate Your Emotions
Navigating feelings for someone else when you’re married can be really confusing and emotionally taxing. It’s important to find ways to work through what you’re experiencing in a healthy way.
Talk to a therapist
Speaking with a licensed therapist or counselor can help provide guidance as you figure out what these new emotions mean and determine the best path forward. They can offer a sympathetic, non-judgmental ear and help you uncover the underlying reasons for your feelings. Therapy doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage—it can actually help strengthen your relationship by giving you clarity and strategies for improving communication and intimacy with your partner.
Journal your feelings
Putting your thoughts and emotions into words through journaling or creative writing can be cathartic. Describe what specifically attracts you to this other person and what’s lacking in your marriage. Then read back over your entries to identify patterns and gain insight into what you truly want and need to feel happy and fulfilled. Journaling can also help lessen the intensity of emotions by releasing them from your mind onto the page.
Open up to a trusted friend
Speaking to a close friend or family member you trust can help lift the burden of keeping your feelings a secret. Make sure this person will listen without judgment and maintain confidentiality. Let them know you’re looking for support, not advice. Talking to someone who knows you and your situation can provide relief through empathy and help you work through your feelings by verbalizing them.
Reconnect with your spouse
The healthiest way forward is to strengthen the connection with your spouse. Make time for meaningful conversations, share how you’re feeling without casting blame, be affectionate and intimate, engage in shared interests together, and practice active listening. Addressing underlying issues, reigniting passion, and improving emotional intimacy can help put your feelings for another in proper perspective. With work, you can get your marriage back on track.
Conclusion
So what do you do now? This is tricky territory to navigate, but the most important thing is to be honest with yourself about what you want and who you are. You owe that much to yourself and your partner. If this is truly how you feel, then embracing your sexuality may lead to greater happiness and fulfillment in the long run. However, it also may mean ending your current relationship, which would be difficult. There are no easy answers here. But staying silent and repressing your true self will likely only lead to resentment, confusion and hurt for everyone involved. This is your one life – you deserve to live it authentically. Speak to others who have been through this, seek counseling, read books on the topic. Educate yourself so you can make the best decision for your situation. Whatever you decide, learning to love and accept yourself is the first step to finding inner peace. You’ve got this! Now go out there and be your amazing self.
Never trust a man who kisses with his eyes open
Sharon Adisa is a content writer with expertise in relationship and life philosophy. She is knowledgeable in various areas of human relationships, including family dynamics, romantic relationships, friendships, and workplace relationships.